Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”
God is all about families and their relationships! The Bible describes all kinds of families – good families, dysfunctional families, fractured families, families with murder and incest, families with sexual abuse. Obviously God knows human hearts and he knows how badly things can go wrong in families. All this being the case, why does God give this commandment?
Consider what happens when a baby is conceived. Half of the DNA comes from each parent. That means that as that baby grows, he or she will automatically reflect each side of the family. Through the years, there have been arguments about “Nature vs. Nurture,” the question being which is more important, your DNA or the way you were raised. While both of these contribute, there have been many reported cases in which twins who were separated by birth and raised by different families have wound up with similar jobs, liking similar leisure activities, etc. Heredity is important.
APPLICATION: Given the fact that half your DNA comes from each parent, if you reject one or both of your parents, you are actually rejecting your own body. Yesterday we spoke about stress and the bad health problems stress can promote. Persistent rejection of parents or failure to honor them will definitely bring about stress and result in health problems, including ones that can shorten your life.
“But what if my parents are not good ones?” you ask. This is a fair question. There are some parents who are control freaks or manipulative or abusive or even criminals. Those who work in Child Protective Services know that there are some people who should never have had children in the first. In one small town in the Midwest, a five year old girl was found roaming the streets at all hours. Eventually it was learned that her parents were running a meth lab in their house, endangering their child and themselves, not to mention the entire neighborhood.
We need to go back and re – read this commandment. Notice that the commandment orders us to “honor” our parents. The commandment does not say “love” your parents or even “like” your parents. The commandment also does not say “take abuse from your parents” or “allow your parents to steal from you.”
People who have grown up with abusive parents who quickly fly into rages know that sometimes you have to remove yourself from a situation to protect yourself. And God also knows this. So the big question is this: WHAT IF MY PARENTS HAVE FAILED ME? DO I STILL HAVE TO HONOR THEM AND IF SO, HOW? HOW DO I HONOR MY PARENTS WHEN THEY DON’T DESERVE IT?
When God gave this commandment, He knew that some parents would be horrible. One thing we need to examine is what honor is not. To honor means to give respect, and you can acknowledge someone as your parent without approving of their actions, their character, or their treatment of you. You can honor a parent without liking them.
Here are some ways you can honor your parents, no matter what they are like:
1. Pray for your parents! Pray that they will turn their lives over to God. If they have problems with drugs, alcohol, gambling, or any other addictive behavior, pray that God will soften their hearts with His love and that they will learn to follow Jesus Christ, His Son. Pray that the hurts your parents suffered as children will be healed. Speak healing and positive Scripture over your parents. Never doubt that these proclamations can change their lives!
2. Do not trash your parents. Do not broadcast their sins in public, with your friends, or in any group with which you are associated. Do not make disparaging remarks about your parents, particularly to your children. If your friends/acquaintances insist on bringing up the subject of your parents’ bad behavior, you can simply advise them that you are praying for your parents and you refuse to discuss this further.
3. Do what you can to help your parents without becoming their victim. Some people are incredibly manipulative and view relatives as easy forms of prey. You must set boundaries. Example: If a parent continually runs up big bills buying things on credit and then expecting you to pay for them, you can refuse. If necessary, consult a lawyer and take steps to protect your own spouse and children.
4. What about the parent who tries to use their grandchildren as a weapon? Again, each case must be tailored individually and you may need to consult both a lawyer and a family counselor for advice. One major challenge is the manipulative grandparent who gives a grandchild a secret cell phone and then communicates with them without your knowledge. Such behavior can become a thorny issue, with the grandparent attempting to alienate your child from you. In such cases, you may need to take the stance that “You are my father/mother and I thank God for you having given birth to me. But your behavior makes it difficult/impossible for me to trust you with my child/children.” If necessary, you may have to involve law enforcement. In this case you are not refusing to honor your parents; you are protecting your children.
PRAYER: Father God, thank you that YOU are the perfect parent! But Lord, many of us have problem parents to deal with and honoring them is difficult. Please show us how to honor problem parents while we protect our families. And help us to copy you as our Divine Father, rather than copying the wrong things that our parents did to us. Thank you for loving us and for caring for us and for hearing and answering our prayers. In the mighty and precious Name of King Jesus. Amen.
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